WaT Kiss Her Once for Me
by Mariel3
Summary: Jack reflects on Christmases past and Christmases present...Warning: this is unbeta'd and was written quickly. But Merry Christmas anyways!


Excuse this bit of Christmas madness. Heard the song while driving to the mall this morning. Somehow, instead of happy thoughts, angst filled my soul....That may have had something to do with the parking available... And so here you have this little Christmas J/S piece that doesn't make a lot of sense, but at least it's in keeping with the season...  
  
Merry Christmas, and thank you...  
  
Kiss Her Once for Me By: Mariel  
  
Have a holly jolly Christmas,  
It's the best time of the year,  
I don't know if there'll be snow,  
But have a cup of cheer  
  
Jack sat at his desk in semi-darkness, listening to the strains of Burl Ives singing his holly jolly Christmas wishes. Wafting down the rabbit warren of cubicles and corridors, he knew he could follow the sounds to the far end of the floor, where Van Doren, in her annual display of inexplicable seasonal good spirits had opened up two adjoining conference rooms, decorated them festively, and invited one and all to join in wishing everyone a Merry Christmas.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Have a holly jolly Christmas,  
And when you walk down the street  
Say hello to friends you know  
And everyone you meet  
  
Ordinarily, he'd be there already, enjoying a drink at his boss's expense, and taking a rare moment to socialize with people he admired and spent long, hard hours working with.  
  
But not this year.  
  
This year, he sat alone, feeling unable to face what he envisioned would greet him there. It was selfish, he knew. Selfish, self-centred, and wrong, but it was how he was responding to things at the moment, and he knew he would have to work up a bit more courage before he could stride into the room and pretend that everything was okay, that his life was back on track, and that all was good.  
  
Last year, they'd sat beside one another, casually touching under cover of the table, elated at the joy of loving in secret. They'd left separately, more than thirty minutes apart, and then met at her apartment. He'd kissed her under the mistletoe in her hallway, loving the taste of her, the warmth of her body straining against his.  
  
Last year was a lifetime ago.  
  
This year, loneliness overwhelmed him.  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
Oh ho, the mistletoe  
Hung where you can see,  
Somebody waits for you,  
Kiss her once for me.  
  
He grimaced at the words. No one waited there for him. Not now. But he could still imagine her smiling and lifting her chin up to receive a kiss from someone who could do so without guilt...  
  
...Yes, kiss her once for me, he thought. Kiss her and love her as I did and shouldn't have, as I do and can't. Closing his eyes against his regret, he couldn't shut out the way she would look, her eyes shining with laughter and hope, anticipation making her glow. She deserved that happiness, and oh, he wanted her to have it, even if he couldn't be the one to provide it.  
  
But it didn't mean he could yet bear to see it.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
Have a holly jolly Christmas  
And in case you didn't hear,  
Oh by golly have a holly jolly Christmas this year  
  
It would be a Merry Christmas for the Malones this year. The family was intact and the girls safely assured that mommy and daddy were together and with them. Santa would come, the girls would rise early, and he and Maria would stumble down the stairs half awake to watch them as they tore into the presents left beneath the tree. He and Maria would share a glance, enjoying the moment, treasuring it because they loved their children and knew how fleeting this innocent pleasure was.  
  
But there would be a shadow in Maria's gaze that reflected the one in his own. They had made their choice and were content, but the happiness they hoped for had so far eluded them. What had sent them reeling apart over the last few years remained unchanged. The tendrils of steel that bound them to their children, however, also bound them together in an orbit that could allow neither of them freedom from the other. Their regard for their children, and their regard for one another held them firmly in place, in spite of the love that had long ago left them.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
Have a holly jolly Christmas  
And when you walk down the street  
Say hello to friends you know  
And everyone you meet  
  
And in a room not so far away sat the woman who had collided into the perfectly syncronized orbits he and his wife had created, and he was afraid to see her, afraid to see confirmed what he was sure he had seen growing between her and another. To walk in there and say hello, to pretend he was happy for them, to pretend he didn't feel left behind, alone...  
  
He couldn't do it.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Oh ho, the mistletoe  
Hung where you can see  
Somebody waits for you  
Kiss her once for me  
  
The words taunted him, goading him to get up, go in there and do what had to be done. Martin deserved a little happiness of his own, he supposed. Samantha could do worse. Hell, she had, when she'd fallen for a married man too old and tired and tied down to give her the love she needed and deserved. She deserved to be kissed by someone who did not have to hide in shadows when he did so... She deserved to smile openly at the one she loved, deserved to dance close without worry.  
  
Perhaps it was for the best.  
  
Or perhaps he was wrong, and she was waiting for him, in spite of everything. Perhaps she would look across the room at him and smile and take away some of the pain and loneliness he felt. Perhaps, by some action or word, she would show him that what they'd had was there still, even though he couldn't respond.  
  
He sighed. Whichever scenario he was greeted with, his hope had to be that she was happy this Christmas.  
  
Rising, he stood, squared his shoulders, and strode towards the music....  
  
Have a holly jolly Christmas  
And in case you didn't hear  
Oh by golly, have a holly jolly Christmas this year!  
  
End Kiss Her Once for Me 


End file.
